April 12, 2010
Death always arrives too soon. We grow up hearing that death is part of life. Many years can pass before that statement is processed and believed, never mind experienced. Jamie Raab, who I interviewed about becoming a widow too early, saw her husband survive a stroke and succumb to another one a year later. Yes, his death was part of his life. It also was arbitrary and nearly impossible to comprehend.
Jamie spoke candidly about the emotional swings that go with loss. She talked about anger and loneliness and hinted at the self-doubt that lurks behind the scenes. We discussed her new quest for control, probably from losing it to a condition she could not change. We laughed about her penchant for hiding behind the broom and dust mop. Jamie cleans her apartment with a vengeance these days.
Emotions also run strong with any serious sickness that diminishes a person and fractures the quality of a life. Progressive diseases progress, demanding countless compromises. The Faustian bargain that never will be accepted is this: I will live with what I have right now, the offer goes, just don’t make it worse. Of course that offer is routinely rejected, without appeal.
I, for one, feel that a little piece of me dies each time my condition worsens, chipped away cruelly as the MS takes another step.
This is not a contest, and there is no hierarchy of suffering. I would not be so misguided as to compare my ordeal with Jamie’s. That is not the point anyway. Loss assumes many forms. It may assume tragic proportions for us because whatever disease is attacking our bodies, that’s what we live with.
When others we know have it worse than we do, that becomes a valuable frame of reference for judging our own problems. It does not lessen our own pain. When I sit wide awake in the middle of the night, I do not dwell on the plight of other people. More likely, I am thinking about the challenges of tomorrow and wondering how I will make it through another day.
There is so much pain out there. I feel for us all. Long ago, I decided that I want to live my life with grace and dignity, keeping any bitterness to a minimum and to myself. I will not pretend I do not hurt. The mythical red cape and “S” on my chest are a fiction, except maybe on my pajamas. But I feel better about myself doing it right.
I suspect Jamie feels the same way.
Even the strongest among us dissolve at the loss of a spouse. We think part of our life has ended, too. I wonder if we ever recover from the death of the one we love. Do there have to be years of misery? Are there any shortcuts in the mourning process?