MB responded to a tweet of mine. I thought those electronic outbursts would only be read on Mars in the next millennium. “On Twitter you asked if we get weary of the fight. Yes. It’s mentally and physically exhausting most days and after nine years I still find myself imagining myself in situations where I’m well” MB writes. “ That’s when emotional weariness creeps in. But everyday I regroup and refocus my attention on the many positives in my life.”
After forty years, I get it. I, too, am tired of the struggle, bone weary. The sameness of every day’s assault is numbing. I went for a walk with a neighbor yesterday. We set out on a quiet path along the Hudson River. it was a sunny morning, full of promise, a new day. I made it fifty yards before frantically searching for a something o sit on. A picnic table, even a tree stump.
I had run out of fuel. I am such a creature of denial. I was going to walk the full loop. I had not taken walks all winter. Too much snow. This would be my day. I know. Expectations are a dangerous game . I never learn. My spirit was as low as the gas in my tank. Sometimes my denial is so reflexive, I forget to factor in reality.
“So you had a pulmonary embolism a few weeks ago and almost cashed in your chips. The clot may be breaking up, but it still is in your lung,” my friend said. He stared at me in disbelief. “And now you have shingles and feel the pain” Oh, that.
It seems to be true that many or all of us hit heartbreak Hill in our involuntary marathons. It is inevitable. The thought of continuing the race is tough to take. That blood clot pushed me close to the edge. Usually memories of all our past struggles are locked away in a special place. I picture a toxic waste dump more than a jeweled box. A few weeks ago they escaped like fumes.
So again comes the challenge. I am confidant I am not the first to feel the rock closing in on the hard place. It takes incredible emotional and physical strength to get up off the canvas. The fight is not over until we hear the bell ring ten times. We must get back to work. I feel terribly self-indulgent when I reach this state. There is work to do.
MB concludes, “Like you [have] said, what else can we do but get on with it?”