Sometimes a long awaited treatment can feel like the endgame. It seems as if it is the final act of the play when, in fact, the curtain just went up. There can be a letdown when we repair home from the doctor’s office. I spent virtually one year thinking and fantasizing, then waiting and preparing for the stem cell infusion that would lead me down the road to a better life.
There are no new roads visible in the neighborhood., just the same old streets we travel to routine destinations in our lives. I do not expect the view from my window to change. It occurs to me I never did project the visual image of a new life from the projector in my head. Word pictures are dangerous. Non verbal images are potent, too.
Expectations need not be verbalized or even made visually clear. I have refused to lay out my hopes for stem cell induced change. Expectations are a dangerous game, I have said. The fuzzy photos of the mind can set up a person for disappointment as effectively as vivid descriptions of our dreams.
We who are giving over our bodies over to a clinical trial are playing a mind game, too.