Peering Around the Bend


I spend time trying to peer into the future, probably too many wasted moments. Is the past prologue? I wonder. I have traveled that road and know the answer. There are no predictors. My path has not been easy, though I do know it could have been worse. Much worse. I have written that I will live peacefully with my life as it is in this moment. Just do not make it worse, whoever you are.

What would you pay to know outcomes, to know, digest and cope? Sometimes I lose confidence in my ability to adjust to possible worst-case scenarios. I cannot drive them from my head. I want to know and want no part of it. I demand truth from my doctors. Suppose they knew. They don’t, of course, but that day will come. Would you want the truth?

Some illnesses have certain destinations. Not mine. I could land in a living heaven or hell.   My father finished his race in a wheelchair. My experience thus far has been more brutal than his. I write too often about the wheelchair and white cane parked in the corner of my mind. You can tear up photos but not images projected in your mind in the dead of night.

I consider myself well adjusted. I wonder if that is true.

8 Responses to Peering Around the Bend

  1. Jan1 September 22, 2015 at 7:19 pm #

    Adjusted? I think so, as much as I can. But then again, just when I think I’m more adjusted, at church last Sunday the singer sang Billy Joel’s “Honesty.” Although it related to the message, I couldn’t stop a few tears, distracted in some moments that reminded me also of skating to such a song. The image very vividly projected in my mind. Ah.

    It’s no news to people who know me that I’m a bit of a news junkie. On tonight’s newscast, the report of 1 in 20 people being misdiagnosed. (That’s a lot of people). And then, an email from a H.S. friend about this: Rather overwhelming–feel free (on Richard’s blog-hope that’s okay) to please comment back to me your thoughts. (Should you dare wade through it all).

    At year 10, I’m tired of investigating, of Dr. Google, pain, not participating as many do, adjustments–though I make them. I don’t seem to peer too far: I live day-to-day. (But as a Christian, I will peer in the very far future. Known or unknown, it is all really something).

  2. Christopher September 23, 2015 at 5:08 am #

    As long as you keep wondering and asking questions, I think there’s little doubt.

  3. Sue in Tx September 23, 2015 at 11:08 pm #

    Umm. Richard, I share your experience. My mum had progressive MS. I know what MS can look like. When I was diagnosed i already understood too well. I wrote and rewrote the rest of this comment but decided it was too bleak. So I cut it out. It is because like you I have not had it easy. I won’t list it. So Just take my word. And sometimes I do ruminate about the future. Or I envy someone who appears to have it all together and healthy. But it as if the pain dealt to me has allowed me to
    Experience a deeper sense of joy at times, and contentment. I will not go so far to say there is a silver lining to Ms, but it does force one to be present, to focus on essentials, to seek meaning and purpose. The sentences I cut out are not as interesting or uplifting as the consequence of learning to live with ms and what might be around the corner.

    • Deb HB October 3, 2015 at 7:46 pm #

      Sue, i believe you..stay positive stay well . The coping tool we use is as important as looking for the glass to be half full. It appears that ms Dx is often after a traumatic event. MS can stand for Made Stronger . I chose to name it :blame it :and move on.

  4. Jan1 September 24, 2015 at 9:11 am #

    Hi Sue… appreciated your thoughts.

    Checked my LinkedIn home feed this morning and found a quote from George Burns.

    And I well realize, “Easier said than done,” “Everyone is spitting out quotes these days,” “Easy for you to say,” “You aren’t dealing with this,” etc., etc.

    Yes, but… (I’ll edit it for space):

    From the late comedian George Burns on the eve of his 85th birthday (he lived until 100), “A lot of people get to 70 and think they’re supposed to be old. So they start to practice being old…by the time they are 75 years old, they’re now a success. They’re now old. Not me. I’m a failure. I don’t practice.”

    (Still from the article): What do YOU practice?

    This sounds like an easy question, but it isn’t. A startling number of people practice failure.”

    (Me): And I do fail. So what? I try to learn from it and press on as I am able (whatever that means, even though it can vary and be unpredictable). Will say that where I place my focus and perspective matters to, influences, me.

  5. Dale September 28, 2015 at 11:31 pm #

    If I actually was a robot would my comment get posted?

  6. Dale September 28, 2015 at 11:32 pm #

    Hey it worked where is everybody?

  7. Joan L October 3, 2015 at 1:02 am #

    I am in the wheelchair. It happened slowly but there I am. My next constant apprehension (terror) is not being able to transfer for things…meaning toileting, getting in and out of bed, needing more help than I can get at home. Nursing home! No.