Peering Through the Fog

The ship is running aground. The captain is ignoring his impulse to abandon ship. Denial has carried him through many a crisis. Why not this one? The craft remains upright. So far. The fog is rolling in. The shore and shoals merge as vague blurs in the distance. I would declare my intention to go down with the ship, but I do not believe the ship is going anywhere.
Oh, please. Writing is such fun, but I think there is a simpler, less pretentious way to say this. I grudgingly confess I simply cannot make out responses to the blog, posts and, of course, that is the best part. Otherwise, I am just listening to myself talk. What a dreary situation that would be. I thought I had broken through the clouds, but no.
This began with the pulmonary embolism, made worse I assume by the psoriasis and shingles. The usual three days of steroids seemed to make a difference, to improve my vision marginally. I am sorry to say whatever improvement did not last. So here I am, back at square one. What a revolting development this is. Would someone explain to the doctor who used to say that?
So what do we do?
I thought about picking up my blog and taking it home. It would go nicely next to my football. No. Let’s keep the Journey Man alive and well for all of us. Capital letters?. DOES THIS HELP? Why am I asking you? Maybe I will join the discussion on days when I think I can do it. Anyone with MS knows it is a moving target. Some may have noticed my recent silence. It is not lack of interest, only my inability to make out words.
I am not giving up on this. Please don’t you. By the way, I have given up the plan to rob banks. Can you imagine me with a weapon in my hands? I would not carry a gun. I loathe guns. But you can hurt innocent bystanders with a slingshot or even a peashooter. I could not live with myself if that happened.

40 Responses to Peering Through the Fog

  1. Betty Moody July 12, 2014 at 7:00 pm #

    Denial rules. Keep going. Keep writing. We’re with you all the way.

    • Richard M. Cohen July 13, 2014 at 7:44 pm #

      Atill atit.

      R

  2. Kate Aquilino July 12, 2014 at 7:50 pm #

    I’m sorry you can’t see. We’re all out here waiting. The Power of Patience!

  3. Amy Corcoran-Hunt July 12, 2014 at 8:30 pm #

    NEVER GIVE UP SIR. ALTHOUGH THE ARMED BANK ROBBERY THING, THAT’S A GOOD GIVE-UP.

  4. James July 12, 2014 at 8:31 pm #

    I don’t know about you guys, but I’m getting tired of waiting!!!

  5. Nik July 12, 2014 at 10:18 pm #

    I WOULD TYPE FOR YOU. BUT IT WOULD BE FULL OF ERRORS. I SUCK AT WRITING. I’m sure hoping for your sight to return. I just got here, remember, and I’m so happy to have found his blog. Don’t get me wrong, very unhappy to just have been diagnosed with MS, but looking for your new post each day on my 3.5 day of squinting with my one working eye….well it was the HIGHLIGHT of my day when a new post came through.

    SEE, I COULDN’T TYPE FOR YOU…RUN ON SENTENCES AND ERRORS ALL OVER THE PLACE. SORRY. BUT I WILL IF YOU NEED ME TO, I’m here 🙂

    BEST, NIKKI

    • Richard M. Cohen July 13, 2014 at 7:46 pm #

      A lo vely thought.

      R.Atill atit.

      R

  6. Mark July 12, 2014 at 10:31 pm #

    Please keep writing. Please do not give up. Dig deeper and push harder, please. Life is not fair. But what are the options? You know, I finally confided in a colleague. One night after work I told him I had MS. He looked stunned and shouted back “ALS…Are you gonna die? I informed him that MS was not the same as ALS and that I would probably die from something at some point in time. He looked puzzled. Then he asked, “MS, is that Easter Seals?” I said no and told him we were still working on our branding strategy….people just don’t get it. But we do, Richard. Keep the faith.

    • Richard M. Cohen July 13, 2014 at 7:47 pm #

      I will do that. Promise.

      R.

  7. Jo Bealham July 13, 2014 at 1:15 am #

    I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO BEING RICH. NEVER MIND. WHAT ABOUT BUNGEE JUMPING? IS THERE SOME VOICE RECOGNITION SOFTWARE THAT WOULD HELP?

    • Richard M. Cohen July 13, 2014 at 7:50 pm #

      Jo –

      BUNGEE JUMPING WON’T MAKE MONEY. JUST KILL YOU.

      R.

  8. Sandy July 13, 2014 at 7:25 am #

    Richard,
    What is it you tell me? Oh ya, Push. Keep pushing. I know there is a solution out there to keep you writing and blogging. We just need to find it.
    Hang in there bud. You’re the Journeyman. Its all part of the journey.
    Sandy

    • Richard M. Cohen July 13, 2014 at 7:53 pm #

      Sandy-

      I am pushing had. Probably will nd up withj another baby.

      R.

  9. kathleen July 13, 2014 at 9:34 am #

    Richard, You had mentioned on twitter the contrast – white on white – is hard for you to read on the computer. Change your computer settings – black background with white text so much easier to read. Enlarge your text. Lots of computer technology out there for people with vision problems. You probably know all this, but thought I would share.

    Hang in there!

    Kathleen

    • Richard M. Cohen July 13, 2014 at 7:54 pm #

      Going to try that.

      R.

  10. Amy Corcoran-Hunt July 13, 2014 at 10:29 am #

    I AM A WRITER WITH LITTLE CONTROL OF MY HANDS AND FINGERS. DRAGON VOICE RECOGNITION IS NEXT. WE’LL SEE. SUCKS.

  11. Jenny July 13, 2014 at 11:27 am #

    OH CAPTAIN MY CAPTAIN…THE FOG WILL LIFT AND WE WILL MOVE ON. WE WILL WEATHER THIS STORM. WISHING YOU THE ENERGY AND THE DETERMINATION TO CONTINUE ON WITH THIS “JOURNEY…MAN” BEST TO YOU

    • Richard M. Cohen July 13, 2014 at 7:55 pm #

      Thanks.

      R.

  12. James July 13, 2014 at 11:46 am #

    I said earlier I’m getting tired of waiting but I also need to say I’m too stubborn to give up. This disease pisses me off! Don’t know any other way to say it. But I won’t give ms the satisfaction of giving up. MS can kiss my —!!!

    • Richard M. Cohen July 13, 2014 at 7:57 pm #

      Amen.

      R.

  13. Joan July 13, 2014 at 12:09 pm #

    Richard,

    Thank you for these writings. They matter. Really matter. I have been listening to a song by John Moreland, and every time I hear this line, I think of your bank robbery caper, all of the afflicted signing up to ride shotgun, and my angry desire to just shove the walker out of the room, through a window, and out of my life.

    The song is called Gospel and the line is:
    “I wanna drive like hell when I steal the devil’s Cadillac”. Many more great lines. And like everything these days, Google/YouTube can show you more.

    I, like many others, wish I had more answers for you, for me. Geez, wouldn’t even one answer be nice. For the time being just crank up the volume and sing along…

    • Richard M. Cohen July 13, 2014 at 7:59 pm #

      Don’rt give up the dM.
      R.

  14. Elizabeth July 13, 2014 at 12:34 pm #

    RICHARD, WE LIVE FOR THESE POSTS AND YOUR INPUT. WE WILL FIGURE

    OUT A WAY TO POST SO THAT YOU CAN SEE IT WITHOUT STRAINING. I KNOW

    IT’S NOT THAT EASY WHEN EVERYTHING IS A BLUR. iT TOOK

    ME A BIT BUT I LOOKED UP HOW TO BOLD IN HTML WHICH REQUIRES

    HOLD SHIFT & COMMA TYPE b HOLD SHIFT & PERIOD AT THE
    BEGINNING AND THE END OF THE POST
    (FOR OTHERS WHO DONT KNOW THE PROCESS)

    I ALSO LEARNED FROM THE LYME WORLD FROM WHICH I WAS ORIGINALLY A

    MEMBER THAT COGNITIVELY IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE FOR MOST PEOPLE TO READ

    WITHOUT A SPACE BETWEEN EACH LINE. I WOULD ALSO LIKE TO SHARE A

    WEBSITE THAT I USED TO PURCHASE ITEMS FOR MY SISTER IN LAW WHO HAD

    A STROKE SEVERAL YEARS AGO. LITTLE DID I KNOW I MIGHT BE SHOPPING

    FROM THERE SOME DAY FOR ME. I WAS ACTUALLY LOOKING FOR THE STICKERS

    THAT I PURCHASED FOR HER LAPTOP AND THEY DON’T CARRY THEM ANY

    LONGER BUT THEY WERE HUGE LETTERS THAT YOU STICK ON THE

    KEYBOARD. EASIERLIVING.COM IS THE WEBSITE AND

    THEY HAVE MANY ACCESSIBILITY ITEMS FOR THE COMPUTER IN THE HOME

    OFFICE SECTION. I HOPE SOMETHING WORKS. BY THE WAY I AM IN GIVE THE

    HELL UP MODE RIGHT NOW TOO. IS IT THE WEATHER? I AM ANGRY AND

    TIRED. I JUST HAD THREE DOSES OF STEROIDS AND NO IMPROVEMENT

    COGNITIVELY OR PHYSICALLY. I AM SO FRUSTRATED. IS THERE ANY BENEFIT

    IN ANOTHER SUPERDOSE OF STEROIDS IF THE FIRST ROUND DOESN’T WORK?

    I COULDN’T MOVE MY LEFT SIDE AT ALL FOR A FULL HOUR THE OTHER NIGHT

    WITH FACE DROOP. IT SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF ME.

  15. Elizabeth July 13, 2014 at 12:35 pm #

    SORRY APPARENTLY THE BREAK IN SENTENCE BREAKS THE CODE

  16. Sarah July 13, 2014 at 12:45 pm #

    RICHARD,

    IF YOU COULD GET MEREDITH OR SOMEONE TO HELP YOU CHANGE YOUR BACKGROUND SETTINGS, THAT WOULD BE GOOD, AS PER KATHLEEN’S RECOMMENDATION.

    IT RUINED MY DAY TO KNOW THAT YOU COULDN’T SEE AND THERE WERE NO RESPONSES TO THE FACT, AT THAT TIME. SO, THANKS TO EVERYONE FOR STEPPING UP AND RESPONDING.

    HOPING GOD WILL SHOOT SOME POWER DOWN TO YOU, LIKE RIGHT NOW.

  17. MB July 13, 2014 at 12:53 pm #

    “Where there’s a will there’s a way” is the cliche, but the translation is much more to the point. “If you truly want to do something, you will find a way to do it, in spite of obstacles.”

    What your writing does for many people is give them something to think about that validates their feelings. Often this prompts responses.

    MS is a tough disease to bring to the forefront of anyone’s thinking because it is unpredictable which makes it scary. Annette Funicello was the celebrity with MS until it became ugly and unpleasant to watch and she faded away. Terri Garr? It makes me sad that she has faded away, too. Those with MS still in the public eye are personalities who don’t show outward signs. That makes the public more comfortable but at the same time, negates any sense of urgency to find a cure for this disease.

    MS keeps winning the wars and that’s very unsettling. When I read your latest entry, my heart sank because I felt MS claimed another one of us.

    Sometimes all of this bullshit just gets to be too much.

  18. Sarah July 13, 2014 at 12:54 pm #

    ….AND TO EVERYONE ELSE MUDDLING THROUGH THE MUCK…

  19. Jeff July 13, 2014 at 12:55 pm #

    Here are suggestions from Microsoft on windows settings for visually impaired.

    http://support.microsoft.com/kb/308978

    Thank you Richard and all posters here. This forum has given me so much! I am in a much better place and this is one reason why.

    • Sarah July 13, 2014 at 1:44 pm #

      ME TOO, JEFF. THIS BLOG HELPS KEEP ME SANE.

  20. Elizabeth July 13, 2014 at 1:20 pm #

    I HAVE A QUESTION. WHY DO I FEEL SHAME? HOW DO I MAKE IT GO AWAY?

    OR IS IT JUST ANOTHER COMPONENT OF THIS HORRIBLE ILLNESS

    • Sarah July 13, 2014 at 2:06 pm #

      ELIZABETH,

      I THINK SHAME GOES WITH THIS MISERABLE TERRITORY. I FEEL ASHAMED ALMOST EVERYDAY. YOU’RE NOT ALONE.

      JUST WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE EVERYTHING’S WORKING OK ONE DAY, THIS ALIEN IN OUR BODY REARS IT’S UGLY HEAD AGAIN TO MAKE US FEEL THE WAY WE DO, BE IT THROUGH FALLS, WEAKNESS, OR FORGETFULNESS, WHERE THEY DIDN’T ONCE EXIST.

      THANK GOODNESS LOUIS ARMSTRONG IS GIVING ME A LIFT FROM THE RADIO WAVES RIGHT NOW. THE CHEER, CALM AND GENUINE EASE OF HIS VOICE HELPS THE AGGRAVATION – THE TRUMPETS HELP TOO.

      …OR MAYBE TODAY IS A BLUESY KIND OF DAY…NAH…OLD-TIME JAZZ ALWAYS HELPS PICK ME UP.

      I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE STYLE OF MUSIC IS, OR IF YOU EVEN LIKE MUSIC, BUT TRY AND FIND SOMETHING THAT’LL GIVE YOU A BOOST AND PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE, OR PUT ON A FUNNY MOVIE – ANYTHING THAT’LL HELP DETRACT FROM THIS FEELING.

      IT COMES AND GOES LIKE THE WEATHER….HANG IN THERE.

  21. Yvonne July 13, 2014 at 5:29 pm #

    (b) This is my saddest news today. Richard I know you are fighting and we all feel your frustration. Your destiny has been chosen for you. Not the disease but your gift of expression through your writing. This blog has saved my life. No, not in a “I’m about to commit suicide way”. I was feeling like this disease had won and I just needed to accept that mobility was over and sedentary was my new lifestyle. Then I found this blog with all these people who were going through the same and worse who were acknowledging but fighting. It recharged my spirit. You have created this community and your work is not done. I hope you find whatever tools you need to continue to lead this journey. You are inspirational and god knows an MS journeyman needs all the inspiration that can be found. Take care. I need to peek in to see your humorous outlooks on this horrible disease.

  22. JoanBee July 13, 2014 at 6:33 pm #

    Test

    Just a shy lurker trying to see if html for larger text works on this site.

  23. JoanBee July 13, 2014 at 6:34 pm #

    Nope. Never mind

  24. Christopher July 13, 2014 at 11:02 pm #

    I was watching a so-so movie today that had a useful nugget in the form of a quote by one of the characters.

    “I don’t mind the pain… it’s the hope that kills me.”

  25. Yvonne July 13, 2014 at 11:22 pm #

    Yippee…whatever you did worked! Large bold print.

  26. JM July 14, 2014 at 5:57 am #

    Please keep writing. You help those who do not have the disease understand how evil it is. Your influence is far wider than you might imagine.

  27. Bill Garcia July 14, 2014 at 8:58 am #

    RICHARD, THERE IS A VOICE RECOGNITION SOFTWARE CALLED “DRAGON” YOU SAY IT, IT TYPES IT. YOU NEVER HAVE TO TOUCH THE KEYBOARD. AS FOR READING THE REPLIES. MY DAD HAD MACULAR DEGENRATION AND HE PURCHASED A DEVICE THE NAME OF WHICH SLIPS MY MIND NOW BUT IT WORKED LIKE A MAGNIFYING GLASS. HE PLACED IT IN FRONT OF HIS MONITOR AND IT HELPED HIM READ THE SCREEN. HE HAD NO CENTER FIELD IF VISION BUT IT ENLARGED THE WORDS SUCH THAT HE COULD FIGURE THEN OUT.

    FORGE ON DON’T GIVE UP I PATIENTLY WAIT FOR YOUR NEXT POST AS IF I WAS WAITING FOR THE WINNING LOTTERY NUMBERS. GOOD LUCK AND I DO HOPE YOU TRY “DRAGON”.

  28. Laura K July 14, 2014 at 9:29 pm #

    I already saw and responded to your solution but then backed up and saw this one – you can get software to read all of these words out loud to you – I always use the text-to-speech function on Word to do the final proof for my blogs. I’m sure you can get some program to read everything to you if you want. It could be like having someone read bed time stories, while you take another sip or two of your nightcap.

    There are some great websites that can help you find the solution for you.Adaptive technology has come much further than a magnifying glass – start shopping!!

  29. Destiny trucos Playstation 3 September 17, 2014 at 11:16 pm #

    Son unas ideas efectivamente extraordinaria vinculadas a blogging.
    Has revisado muchos elementos practicos aqui. Sea como sea sigue escribiendo.