Suffering a Setback

I am in trouble.

The seriously sick cruise along ignoring our sleeping limbs and body parts that ought to be in the shop for repairs.  What else can we do?  I stopped beating my breast when the bruises were too sensitive to look at, never mind touch.  I tell myself this should be the end of it.  No more.  Even Jean Valjean  was released from bondage, his sentence served, at least temporarily.  Now I am back in the slammer, as it were, unable to use my arms and hands normally, even to walk more than a short distance.  This is going to make an escape difficult.

Shit.  Here we go again.

Forty years of this.  I never get used to it because I fool myself into believing it will end.  Progressive diseases progress, as I am fond of saying, and these episodes will not end until I do.  Uncertainty is an ugly bedfellow.  We know trouble is out there, lurking in the shadows.  Problems are inevitable.  Why am I so surprised?  We cannot beat the reaper.

Meredith wants to buy a portable wheelchair.  “I cannot hold your weight,” she tells me again and again. I realize how hard this is on her, and I know she is right.  I cannot bear the thought of that chair.  I have written about fear in previous blog posts.   My father and grandmother completed their time on earth in those contraptions.  Their ghosts sit in some forgotten corner.

And I have to move on.  I know that.  Tomorrow I will start three consecutive days of IV steroid infusions, an anti-inflammatory that can tamp down an immune system on overdrive.    The steroids may calm my body, coaxing it back to where it was.  Or not.  A friend once advised me to develop my tolerance for ambiguity.  I still am working on that.

Whatever happens, the world will continue to revolve, and life will go on.  Who I am is in my head, not my shoes.  I need o be funny again.  My stream of consciousness needs to flow.  Friends need to go back to rolling their eyes when I speak.  Only then will I know things are okay.  Maybe this, too, shall pass.

2 Responses to Suffering a Setback

  1. Nancy Cincotta November 24, 2013 at 4:56 pm #

    When are you going to look into stem cell this is my last hope..

  2. Richard M. Cohen December 25, 2013 at 8:34 pm #

    I am doing it right now.