April 26, 2010
It makes me want to crawl under the bed and put a pillow over my head. I’m telling you out there in blogland, whoever you are, whatever your circumstances, each of us will be touched by Alzheimer’s – spouses, siblings, friends and neighbors. The disease will show up in our family or across the back fence. You’ve heard the staggering statistics. Brace yourselves.
What I can’t decide is whether it is worse to have the dreaded disease or to take care of a loved one and watch him or her vanish into the ether while lying still in a bed with a beating heart. Many of us take care of each other in good times. That is casual and routine. A slowly disintegrating mind is a different heartbreaking story.
My wife’s brother is only 60, but his early onset Alzheimer’s is turning him into an old man. He’s a good guy and a bright person, interested in the world around him. Now, he has little to say. He stands around, head down, looking at his feet.
I believe that even if an Alzheimer’s patient knows the diagnosis and understands the prognosis, awareness fades fast. A sense of the journey must be lost, the destination missing in the haze. Maybe that is a kindness, an ironic dimension of an unkind illness. I do not know, exactly.
I believe it is the caretakers we must worry about and watch. They often bear the brunt of heartache. They are there to witness close-up and in horror as a loved one slowly leaves. And they bear the scars. Ted Comet is a brave man. His wife survived the Holocaust but will not beat this killer. Ted is a survivor himself, and though he is deeply in love with this woman he is losing, he knows he must stay alive to do his duty.
More to the point, Ted wants to live. He has figured out that helping others keeps him going. He is well into his 80s, rides a bicycle around New York City, and maintains an identity beyond his wife’s keeper.
I admire Ted.
There is so much illness around us, so much bravery. There are no merit badges, no medals for facing down illness, in your own body or that of another. Anyone who is sick or knows illness in another should think twice before feeling sorry for ourselves. Just look around and see what others are going through.
Maybe it is not enough to take care of ourselves. Perhaps we should reach out to relatives, to friends and neighbors to help carry the load. The elderly love to be around children. Everyone knows that. Students search for community service projects. Sometimes they need many hours of service to graduate. Maybe we should steer them to homes, group and private. This would be a gift to the sick and, frankly, to the kids themselves. This kind of program would offer them insight and experience and, maybe, a sense of satisfaction they never have known.