The Other Side of the Coin

Meredith liked my last post, the one about handling a bad diagnosis with grace when it comes.  “It was well written,” she said.  Then Meredith added her postscript.  ”Why don’t you write about how angry you get?” she challenged.  “Talk about your despair, about how many times you say you wish you were dead?”   Oh, that.  She got me right between the eyes with that one.  I preach calm resolve.  I do not always live it.

There is, of course, a difference between dealing with a diagnosis, a relatively short-term process, and holding onto a positive attitude for a lifetime of living with an incurable illness.  I am here to tell you that cannot be done perfectly, accept, perhaps, by Clark Kent.

When I fall in the kitchen, a shattered glass or plate around me like storm debris, when I cannot stand and feel the pain of my collapse, in an arm or leg and deep in my psyche, there is an explosive reaction that comes in an instant.  No, I do not calmly note that this, too, shall pass.  My language is coarse, the decibel level high.  Darkness closes in as I react.  Mortality seems inviting in the moment.

These disruptive demonstrations have a powerful effect on Meredith.  For that reason, alone, I wish I were better at maintaining control.  I am not.  We are left with a wounded wife standing over her sheepish husband, who still cannot figure out how to put his feet back under him.

It is tempting to write off the incidents as releasing steam so I do not become a mass murderer.  But I have to consider more than myself.  I will occasionally erupt when the kids are around, but generally I leave off the part about designing my demise.  I know I hurt my wife because my echoing cries go in one ear and stay there.  Letting off steam may help me, but I know I am doing Meredith no favor.

Language is powerful.  If you are going to gargle with nitroglycerin, beware of the consequences.

One Response to The Other Side of the Coin

  1. Shasha December 13, 2013 at 9:20 pm #

    HI, I have MS. I do Alternative medicine. I eat No gluten/dairy/soy/sugar/GMO/no to no saturated/monounsaturate fat…take vitamins/good oils and LDN…Vit D3, Vit C, zinc, fish oil, alpha lipoic acid and more. Vit B12 methylcobalamin shot, HCl and enzymes with meals, dairy free strong probiotic when stomach acid is low, EDTA/DMPS IV chelations to remove heavy metals and unclog blood vessels, Hair tests that show good mineral levels and heavy metal leves. Gluten is wheat/barley/rye…oats can act like gluten. GMO (genetically modified) food may hurt the gut lining like gluten. MS/Crohn’s can be due to Celiac. Celiac can be due to low sunlight heritage. Gluten may hurt the gut lining so nutrients don’t absorb well in the intestines..then cells are not made right or work right…then cells are low in oxygen die and wbc go in and clean up…make a scar tissue in the brain. Blue green algae may help make stem cells. Gluten may make antibodies to the thyroid/pituitary and they go down. Thyroid medicine helps me and Zinc/Se that helps convert T4 to T3, Bioidentical hormones help circulation. Dairy hurts my brain. I take Osteoprocare instead of dairy. I eat brown rice instead of gluten. Rice may have I am trying to find low arsenic rice at the Asian store. Soy may be GMO and in 60% of food. I eat no food with a label and buy organic. Sugar swells my body/brain..cuts off circulation. Gluten/dairy/soy/sugar can make the immune system not work right. LDN may help 99% of MS people…may cost $1 a day. It blocks the opioid receptors that gluten stimulates so the immune system doesn’t go down. It helps sight/hearing/liver/adrenals and all cells as it heals the gut lining and let more nutrients absorb. It is like a miracle. Drink more water with it. I buy reverse osmosis water…tap water has F that may block thyroid. Exercise/sunlight/think positive…rebuild the cells with vitamins/good oils…avoid hidden gluten (nuts not in an shell may have hidden gluten on them and basting in meat and soft serve ice creams etc.) The internet has sites that say where hidden gluten maybe. I have to eat strict and then my MS is suppressed. LDN may help half way..but it is a low dose (Low Dose Naltrexone). LDN also may help Crohn’s. There is hope/help. Alternative medicine is awesome! God is real! I eat raw walnuts (freeze them and rice to keep them fresh) and open shells to avoid hidden gluten. Raw walnuts are mostly polyunsaturated fat…greatly help my brain. I refrigerator the probiotic and oily supplements. What I do takes effort but is worth it..suppresses my MS and heals me fast. Pizza is full of gluten/dairy/bad fats..gave me seizures. People can make gluten free recipes..but I can’t eat most recipes. I eat like the Asian people…veg/rice/tea/hard boiled egg/mushrooms/raw walnuts and more. Heated oils or dehydrated food hurt me. Gluten may cause leaky gut and allergies to food. A food diary may help a person figure out what food/supplements help. I read your book…enjoyed it. you have great talent. I know all MS people can heal. Alternative help is awesome! Best wishes.