Pam writes, “My husband told me last night that he feels like he has lost his wife. And since I am the one married to him, of course, I was devastated.“ I recognized this is only the latest version of an old, sad story.
“He no longer sees the me he fell in love with and married 15 years ago. Nope, he views me more as a roommate/friend and himself as a caregiver. I used to feel cherished by him; now I am just another obligation, like feeding the cat or cleaning the garage.”
I have heard this refrain too many times. It is a pathetic paradigm and hardly unusual. Husband feels put upon by wife’s disabling disease. It never seems to work the other way around. I have no business getting into other peoples’ business, but it hardly makes me proud to be of the male persuasion.
‘Til disability do we part? Isn’t that how it goes? I hear these kinds of stories about couples living in close quarters with MS. I am sure it apples to serious sickness of all kinds. I am neither a moralist nor a perfect person. I do know what dependence feels like. I relate to the discomfort of relying on others.
And I do know and acknowledge what my wife does for me every day, not out of obligation, I hope, but because she wants to. All of us are different. I, for one, try not to complain or criticize when things are done her way, not mine. I may have a tough life, but in many ways, hers is tougher because she is stuck with duel realities, living with the problems of two. And there are no complaints aimed at me.
We are privileged without question. I never lose sight of that. Maybe this is as simple as the stereotype of Baby Boomers at their self-absorbed worst. I don’t know. I do think that those of us who need the help of others have to be careful not to take others for granted or treat our partners as employees. Responsibility cuts both ways.