An upbeat attitude is a reliable defense mechanism, even fuel for denial, as we try to charge through all in our way. In a way, that is what this blog was to be all about. Make sense? Some of our medical problems have been crises, others, flies to be brushed off shoulders. Having passed the magic number, sixty-five and peering into an unkind mirror, I spend more time than is comfortable wondering if there is an endgame out there. By endgame, I mean, the last level of a game, a strategic climax with a loudly ticking clock.
No. I am not getting morbid, but too often I feel I am waiting for the ax to fall, OK. I am getting morbid. I just do not let my guard down. Younger people are more vital, with bodies more adaptable and ready to rebound. Resilience is dulled. I am tired. The problem is that often, MS hits when we are down, almost as if the disease senses vulnerability. That certainly sounds paranoid. But I feel my physical weakness everyday. I have become easy prey, and we are being stalked.
Before you have me taken away, hear me out. Some of us need regular attitude checks. Emotional fortitude can be manufactured and renewed. Mine needs to be fortified from time to time. I think there is strength in resolve. To a point, we can become bulletproof. I have been carried forward by determination. This is not warmed over Norman Vincent Peale and The Power of Positive thinking, only the need for all of us to believe in ourselves. Resilience is a wonderful quality. And I would rather go down fighting than waiting for the ax.